The new me came about a few months ago but has been in the making for a while. As I look back on my life, I see so many experiences, people and things have brought me to this point. I don’t regret anything. I don’t harbor animosity. I don’t hate anyone. I want all of this to be clear. I don’t envy anyone’s life or jealous of anything anyone has. I am that I am. And sweetheart….I am UNAPOLOGETICALLY LOHNNIE.
My journey started a few months ago as I stated previously. I was in a bit of a rut. Trying to really figure out what I wanted and needed to do with my life. Things looked great on the outside….I guess, but inside I was falling apart. Everyday we all age and move closer in the direction we have positioned ourselves in. I was unclear of what to do. The energy that I was receiving from my housemates was killing me…slowly. I think that a lot of people don’t understand that whatever energy you receive constantly or whatever energy you surround yourself with can change the course of how things go for you as well. If you are around negative people who bring negative situations into your life….you will carry that energy with you regardless of how positive you are. So everyday, if I wanted or needed to be productive, I had to leave the house just to have a clear mind. I had to leave the house just to be able to think clearly. I look back now and think…”What kind of hell was I living in and why did I do that?” But I know why. Negative energy can hold you down so long that you can’t and won’t see how to move forward. I made excuses for why I was doing what I was doing but the truth is….I was depressed. The medication was no help to me and it pushed me down even further. Sometimes all a person needs is to just talk about what bothers them. Sometimes all a person needs is an opportunity to see clearly. Sometimes all a person needs is to find their real motivation.
Months went by. Then years and I still made no progress. I was stagnant. I had succumbed to my surroundings and I started feeling too comfortable in the life I was living. I settled. It was the worse thing that I could have ever done but I allowed it to happen because I lost something. I lost something that I had my entire life up until a few years ago. I lost my self-confidence. Allowing what I THOUGHT should have been my life to take over. Allowing what I thought should have been mine to cause me pain and regret. I let people use me and take parts of me with them. My depression took over every aspect of my life. My self-confidence was based on what others thought of me. My lack of self-appreciation took me down many dark roads and caused me to attract more pain into my life. The uniqueness that was me was MIA.
The saying goes….”Whatever you feed will flourish. Whatever you starve will surely die.” I had to make a conscious decision to love and care for me and my life. I was feeding what was trying to kill me. I was feeding what was trying to destroy me. In life, we must decide what we will continue to feed and what we want to die. Thought, energy and words give power. What we fail to realize is that focus feeds the beast…whether good or bad…it feeds it. When you constantly give a person, a thing, a topic, an issue…anything you give energy or focus will grow. It feeds and prospers off of your attention. For months I believed that by spreading awareness of Lupus and the fact that I lived with this illness everyday would help draw more attention and help shed light. Honestly, all it did was drag me further into depression, hurt, dis-ease and confusion. I believed that it was what my life was all about but in reality I was birthed to be so much more than what I have! I started hurting and being in more pain than I have ever been. I was feeding the beast! My entire adult life I had lived with Lupus and no one knew! People would come to me and say that they never knew and wanted to know when I found out. I had been knowingly living with this dis-ease since I was 15 years old yet I had been living my life like I had no problems! Why? Because I didn’t feed the beast. I didn’t blame every pain, hurt or situation on my life with Lupus. Don’t get me wrong….I’m not saying that anyone should ignore their health. I’m not saying that you should just up and stop taking your meds. But what I am saying is that medicating isn’t working. Feeding the beast is not working. Being depressed is not working. Isolating myself is not working!
The pharmaceutical “business” is an entirely different subject that I really can’t begin to touch today. However, what I will say is that all of these medications that they give us only lead to more problems. Not only more issues with the initial reason for you taking the meds in the first place but also causing other problems that have nothing to do with the initial problem! The definition of medicine according to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary the science and art dealing with the maintenance of health and the prevention, alleviation, or cure of disease. Yet modern medicine does NONE of this! It doesn’t prevent anything. It doesn’t effectively alleviate or cure anything! If anything, you develop other health issues and then go back to the doctor to allow them to make you even sicker. But again….that’s a topic for another day.